It’s complicated. Relationships can sometimes be complicated. You can love someone, and they can think they love you, but the variables involved complicate the situation, and you may reach a point where you have to ask yourself, is this worth fighting for? Knowing what we know, where can we go from here? I love writing about feelings, and this is a feeling I have felt in past relationships, so I wrote a song about it. Music helps us cope, heal, and process feelings, so why not try to navigate these feelings with a violin and some live drums? One could say maybe I went a little too far with all the instrumentation, but the music mirrors the anxiety of the actual feeling. A lot is happening in your mind and your heart…feelings can be confusing, and it’s hard to decipher what your brain wants versus what your heart wants.

This song was initially penned in 2012 and produced on Logic Express in the comfort of my bedroom. It was the summer I quit working in casting and decided I wanted to stay true to my roots and pursue art. It was the summer my finances were in shambles and I had to figure out how I was going to continue paying rent. It was the summer I had my quarter life crisis and turned 25. It was an eventful summer. Transition is scary and complicated and exciting at the same time—and all of these feelings are reflected in this particular work. I enjoyed showcasing that with the dynamics of this tune…there are highs and lows, whistle tones and alto melodies. This song should feel like a journey even though the guitar loops the same riff—I imagined myself barefoot in the woods clouded by thoughts of what I would have done differently in the past had I known what I now know…thoughts of what could be…and thoughts of what should be based on logic. The mind weaves tangled webs, and sometimes we get lost in the thoughts. The magical Julie Gratz and Inna Shnayder helped show this with beautiful imagery and some pretty dope editing (by Ivo Stoop and Sean R. Smith). Check out the video below…

I was blessed to work with some amazing NYC musicians for this recording including Daddi Longlegz on bass, John Bimbiras on guitar, Ellie Goodman on violin, and Gregory Morgan on drums. Each musician came into Continental Recording Studio in Long Island City (shoutout to Phil Duke) and made magic on their own. I took the recordings, spliced and diced, and with so much of Phil’s help, it evolved into the music on the final recording. I’m thankful for all of the magical humans involved in creating this work, and thanks for taking the time to learn about this little piece of my heart.

LYRICS:

And so it is
And so it's been
I'm missing you
All over again
Though I try to escape
You call my name
And I'm lost
Lost in the memory of you

Thoughts of woulds, coulds, shoulds, don'ts
Too immature to let love grow
Wish I knew what I now know
And from here, where do we go

I'll never forget what could have been
And I'll always remember what was
Of all the courtships I've endured
You were the closest thing to love
And I still want you the same as way back when
And you claim to feel it too, so I'm
Going out of my mind...
Why didn't we fall in the first time

(I'm clouded by) thoughts of woulds, coulds, shoulds, don'ts
Too immature to let love grow
(And boy I) wish I knew what I now know
So from here, where do we go?

BEYOND THE PEN | A Journey into Like Sunrise {FROM HERE}